electric wheelchairs

What do you think so far?

4 Comments 21 November 2010

Your Comments

4 Comments so far

  1. Chibi Kitteh says:

    It sounds super good! I really want to read it! You have some grammatical errors, like grown should be groan, just to name one. It is a really good story and I am interested in reading it when it is done! Good Luck!

  2. Lutopu L says:

    didn’t read it… got turned off when you said you didn’t like how it flowed. it’s your baby, you can make it how you want, if you don’t like it, what are the chances anyone else will???

  3. ●ßeautiful Ŋightmare● 。(◕‿◕)。 says:

    “She brought her knees in closer and tried to tu ne out the fact that the floor was so hard she was losing feeling in her butt” Sounds a little weird. Just mentioning she was getting increasingly uncomfortable would be enough. =)

    The rest of it needs tweaking in bits, like add more detail so we know how the character is feeling. Last of all, the very end is weird… It is strange for her arms to be aching while she is reminiscing, so maybe leave that out or change it.

  4. NekoBus says:

    Well the content is not bad, but I agree with the first answer. You do need to work on your grammar and spelling. Read and reread what you’ve written until it flows the way you want and you’re satisfied with it.

    A few places are wonky, or off. I like what you mean by time painfully passed, but you could be more descriptive. Get into her head, what’s she thinking and feeling here? Those are the things that will bring the characters to life and give them more dimensions. Then I’m not sure what you mean by “Waiting had felt horrible ever since it happened. Waiting to die, the time had seemed to drag on and on.” Since what happened? Don’t leave the reader hanging – I see you’re hinting at it toward the end, but if you bring it up, follow through with something. Then it sounds like she has a terminal illness.

    I like the descriptions of the teacher. No need to say Sterling is a teenager, if it’s in a high school, that’s just stating the obvious. How many occupants are there besides Astra? I don’t think you need to put exclamation points at the end of what the teacher says. Anyway, it’s got potential, just keep working on it until you’re satisfied.

    Good luck!

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